Saturday, 5 December 2015

Another Day, Another Panic!

Had quite a nice day yesterday. Managed to switch my brain off, and relax. The pain was back down to 'normal' levels.
Was meant to go and see a friend with a disability issue, but she was in too much pain 'to form coherent sentences'! I can identify with that!
Actually, it's one of those situations when I'm not sure what the answer is for her - so all I can really do, is listen while she vents. I can do that until the cows come home!
As for the other friend, (the one in the homeless shelter, with her kids), she's doing OK, and on a housing list. I hate the fact that she didn't feel she could tell me, because she didn't want me to worry, but bless her for sparing me.
There's just so much going on that the media isn't reporting, no matter how much we try and draw attention to it, - but it's been that way for years now.
What with the (very convenient) distraction tactic of Corbyn's leadership, plus the Syria issue, we stand even less chance than normal.

I'm feeling a bit smug because all my Christmas shopping is done! Hubby helped me. I always feel a bit guilty for doing it on line, because I'd rather be helping the high streets, but I don't really have the mobility to do that any more, and certainly not the energy!

Had another anxiety attack this morning, albeit a small one. The DWP sent Christmas bonus notifications through the post, and of course, on seeing the brown envelope, my first thought was, 'it's my turn for the Work Compatibility Assessment'. I freaked, and started shaking! Couldn't even bring myself to pick it up, and had to get hubby to open it for me.

My heart was beating so fast and I just couldn't catch a breath. I felt all shivery inside.

The relief was unbelievable! I dread to think what extra stress does to my (already burnt out) adrenal glands, so I really try yo take everything in my stride, but it's not easy under this government. Things that were secure, now aren't.

Whether they accept it or not, - (they don't), what they're doing to us is a constant low level form of psychological torture, and it's happening in our own homes, where we should feel safest and at ease with ourselves.

My one consolation (or not, in a way), is the fact that I'm not going through this alone. So many disabled and ill people I know have gone through the exact same thing today .

We go through it every day, whenever the letterbox goes. That's no way for anyone to be living, never mind people who already have the struggle of illness and disability to deal with!

Hubby says 'You can't go on like this' - but it's not like we have a choice is it? We didn't ask for this government to make our lives hell through 'scrounger rhetoric', fear of assessments, and making us feel that we simply aren't worth it, but that's what we're living with!

My hands were still shaking when he handed me a cup of tea, so of course I spilt it! Luckily he knows better than to fill the mugs right to the top for that very reason, so it could've been worse!

The only thing I really want for Christmas, is for the government to stop putting us through all this! They are punishing us for being disabled - and it's not like we have any choice in that, either! Do they think I would've chosen Cerebral Palsy and constant pain, and limitations?!

I'd give anything in the world to feel safe, and wanted in society again. I'd like some self esteem and dignity back. It's not right that they can do this to us, and hardly anybody else seems to care!

The only thing I can really do is help raise awareness, and hope that people have a bit of compassion, and realise that what is being done to us is inhumane, and it could happen to anyone! 

Don't turn a blind eye to the suffering and thousands of deaths of disabled people simply because you think it doesn't impact on you. You never know when it just might...!



  1. A superlative blog piece, certainly one of your best. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.

  2. So much truth in this blog Helen, got one of those envelopes myself & was full of dread when pulled it out of envelope then relieved to see Christmas bonus of £10. It's easy to say don't let it get to you but it's much harder when everyday you live with pain that changes your outlook on life & the media making out that all people on benefits are fiddling the system just creates unnecessary stress on all of us.

    Please don't feel guilty about shopping online for gifts, when your mobility is restricted you have to make changes, I miss shopping in my local town too but am also lucky that my sister, who is my carer, will often go into town for me to get items from local stores but even with this majority of my shopping is online.