What I'm Feeling Now, and a Plea...

'As long as you've tried your best, that's all anyone can ask of you'


- and I have, but I hate feeling, that the next four weeks, and then the next five years, are (to a degree) out of our hands, - and in the hands of people who might have little idea of what's happening to disabled people.

The anxiety is beginning to get to me, again and there are knots in my stomach.

I wish I could make people (who don't want to), see that we're dying in our thousands, and we'll go on dying, if things don't change.

I'll go on having to talk people out of suicide, ringing the police, and just hoping against hope, that they get there in time.

I'll go on writing about what I'm scared of, in the hope that someone might take notice, when they didn't before, - but what if they don't?!

What if everything we've seen happen, and tried our best to raise awareness of, means nothing?!

How are we supposed to do this, (at this level), for another five years?! I dread it, but I'll do it, if I've got to.

Campaigning, before this government, was so different.

It was making sure that we had access and support, and pushing for a more equal place in society, and helping to spread positivity about disabled people.

We didn't know when we were well off!

I would give anything to have the days when writing an email, letter, or making a phone call, was enough to get things moving.

Now it's about saving lives, unfair sanctions, foodbanks, and desperation of people who have been left with next to nothing, and barely got the energy to fight back!

It's about sharing information, and then doubting it, thinking 'wait a minute, - is that right'? 'Have they changed it behind our backs'?! What the hell are they going to do to  us, next?!

If you'd told me when I started 'campaigning' (as a little eight year old), that nearly twenty six years later, disabled people would be in a worse situation, than we were, I wouldn't have believed you.

I know I've said it over and over, but with the election four weeks away, (at the time of writing), it needs to be said again...and again.

Disabled people are frightened, actually, maybe terrified, is a better word. Terrified of  losing vital benefits, support, independence, dignity, and self -respect. I actually have nightmares about having to face the 'Work Compatibility Assessment. I wake up sweating, and tense.

As a person with Cerebral Palsy, (I cannot walk, or stand unaided), anything that makes body tense, will add to my pain, and that's exactly what the nightmares, and anxiety do.

We shouldn't be living like this. Scared in our own homes - having nightmares, and jumping at the sound of the letter box, in case it's an ATOS/Maximus appointment, where we have to go and justify our right to basics, and seemingly, a right to a life.

All we want, all I want, is a chance to live my life the best way I can, despite its limitations, constant pain and tiredness. I want to feel secure again, and sleep soundly. I want to feel valued in society, and not like I am an unworthy burden.

It has hurt me badly (and made my depression worse) to be labelled a 'Scrounger', and vilified in the eyes of society, by government, and the media.

I am a person. WE are people! We have thoughts, ideas, and feelings, just like everyone else! We are not just numbers on a page, and our lives are hard enough already!  I am not a 'scrounger'. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister! I am Helen!

Independence and dignity are precious things. They become even more precious, when you are disabled or ill, because you have so little of it!

With a further twelve billion pounds of social security cuts planned, if the government wins the election, all of those things we hold so dear, (and that the able-bodied seem to take for granted), will further disappear, for us.

The anxiety and fear, we already feel about having to face the (unfair and discriminatory) 'Work Compatibility Assessment', is being further added to, by not knowing where the axe will fall, if this government get re-elected.

I want this to stop, more than anything else in the world. I don't want to feel frightened any more.

You have the chance (in May) to vote this government out.

Please, for the sake of every disabled person that has died, and for every one of us that are suffering please, take it, because we can't take another five years, of pain.

#helenswriting

Dear Mr Cameron

Dear Mr Cameron,

Using your (dead) disabled child, to score political points, is disgusting, and the fact that your government has inflicted untold misery,pain, and DEATH on disabled people, for the last five years, makes it doubly sick!

You are a vile, despicable, heartless, out of touch, slimy, arrogant, excuse for a human being, and I LOATHE YOU!

Anybody who votes for a man like you, heading a party, with such a cruel, and callous agenda, needs their head read!

You have destroyed the lives of thousands of disabled people, and what is even more concerning is that you have vilified us, in the eyes of society, by labelling us as 'scroungers'.
You have no idea how damaging and hurtful that is. It has eroded self esteem, and dented any confidence, I was building up!

My Cerebral Palsy is not a choice. Any form of disability, or illness, is not a choice, yet we are being punished by your government for being disabled! I did not choose to be in pain. and tired. I did not choose not to be able to walk or stand, unaided. I would give anything to change it, but I can't! 

Your government has made my life harder, and I feel that I have to justify my existence. My anxiety and depression has been made worse, by government (and media), use of 'scrounger' rhetoric, and I want it to stop. Please. 

I'm sick of feeling frightened.

Disabled and ill people just want to live as 'normal' a life as we can, have independence,dignity, security. and self respect. We used to be seen as people, but I don't feel we are now. You have taken that from us!

You have closed the Independent Living Fund, leaving thousands of people without treasured independence. and support. Cuts to services have been equally damaging.Fear of the Work Compatibility Assessment, gives me nightmares, and I jump at the sound of the letterbox, -just in case it's my turn.

Your cuts to vital social security, has lead to devastation and death, for thousands of us, and there can be no justifiable excuse for that, EVER!No one, should be living in fear, at the hands of their government Disabled and ill people deserve better.

Yours sincerely

Helen


#helenswriting

*This is my opinion and what I believe to be true, at the time of writing 

Dangerous! (A Tiny Blog)

Contrary to what the media seems to want to say, today, not everyone with depression is dangerous enough to fly planes into mountains, or something similar!

I think the media coverage of this has been insensitive, and could be increasing stigma of mental illness, rather than help end it.

One in every five people, has some form of mental illness.

We have treatment,live our lives, and don't harm anyone.

I just wish they would put things in perspective, but they haven't, and I think THAT is dangerous!

They Will Fall (Poem)

They will fall,one by one,
Like leaves from trees,
They will get what they want,
And then scuttle away,
Because there is no longer
A reason to stay.

It will be us,still here,
Year after year,
Maybe we are the trees?
Always rooted and never free.

The leaves, they never ask us,
What we feel, or what we've seen?
Only concerned with what
They have been!

They will fall,
Like leaves from trees,
Used, brown and crisp,
Deciding they have nothing
Left to give, or gain,
And when the leaves drift off,
The trees, remain.

‪

#‎helenswriting‬

(Picture -'Pinterest)'

I am Helen...

Hello!

My name is Helen. I was born with Cerebral Palsy, and cannot walk or stand, unaided. 

I have been a disability rights campaigner, (at various levels), for nearly 26 years.

This particular little project, started with my tweet, of defiance, -

'I am disabled and proud. I am not a faceless scrounger! I will not let this government, define me!' 

It did very well, as it was, which I really didn't expect. Once that happened, I wondered if attaching a picture of myself, to the bottom of the tweet, would show that we are people, and not just nameless 'scroungers' - without an identity, and without thoughts and feelings.

In my opinion, this government has been very effective, in taking away the identities of disabled, ill, and poor people. It feels like they have dehumanised, and vilified us. By doing this, I think they have made it OK for people to hate us, and be suspicious of us. 

By telling society, and the media, that we are scrounging, from a financially struggling country, that we are committing benefit fraud, (and lying in bed all day, with the curtains closed),while the 'striving', 'hard-working', 'aspiring' people, pay for us to do so, they can justify, the devastating, life destroying, cuts to vital social security.

I wanted to remind people, that us so called 'scroungers' are actually people! We have lives, feelings, and faces! We didn't choose this!   

Once I attached a picture of me, to the bottom of my original tweet, it took off like a rocket! A hundred retweets, five hundred retweets! I think it stopped, at nearly two thousand. It might not seem like a lot, given how much, (and how quickly) things get shared on the internet, but it was a lot, to me.

It was my little way, of taking some power, back. Not just for myself, but for all of us, who feel that we have lost so much of ourselves, our independence, and our dignity, at the hands of this government.

A week or so later, a friend had the idea, of combining the photo of me, (which was taken, at Wells Cathedral, in May, of 2009, by my Mum), and the tweet, making it what you see, above.

I wouldn't have thought of doing something like that, and even if I had, I wouldn't have really known how to go about doing it, - so, thank you Martin!

I sent it out again, as the one image, with a message, asking people to retweet, to help me get the message across. The message being, that disabled and ill people, are not scroungers, and that we do have identities, even if, they try and take them (and so much more), from us!

I'm still sharing the combined image, every couple of days, or so, with blog details, should anyone want to know more, about why I, (we), need to do this. 

I attached my #helenswriting hashtag, simply so that I could see if it was working, and correct anything, I might need to.

At first, I wasn't very confident about doing it, and was worried, that people would get, 'sick of my face!' I was also worried, that it might leave me open, to abuse, but happily, none of that has happened. 

All the comments I've had, have been supportive, and encouraging. They have meant so much to me, and have proved that, even though it sometimes feels, that society has lost its compassion, and understanding for us, there are so many people out there, that still care, and (at the moment especially) that means more, to disabled, ill, and poor people, than we can ever tell you, but I'd really love to keep it going a little longer.

Please share/RT this, if you can.

Thank you, so much!

Love,

Helen. xx  

#helenswriting

Anxiety - (Poem 2014)

I can’t breathe
Anxiety
I can’t see ahead of me
I can’t stand it
That you took my self esteem
And I dream
I’ll get it back.

I can’t sleep
Panic
And I’m frantic
About independence lost
So I’ll fight
Whatever the cost.

I can’t move
Stress
As you try
To repress
Our voices,
How can I,
When you take our choices?

Image: Via 'Pinterest'.

Sometimes... (Poem)

Sometimes,
There are life changing moments,
Someone turns on the light,
And all the darkness disappears,
Everything is clear, 
Like when the world
Brought me,
To you.

Sometimes,
When you stop struggling
Against the violent tide,
It will take you
Closer,
To where you need to be.

You will walk upon
Warm sand again,
And feel the blazing sun,
Just like I did,
On that day
The world brought me,
To you.

#helenswriting