As I sit here the pain is ripping through my body. It is relentless, like waves hitting rocks on a stormy day and I’m writing this off the cuff as it were, purely as a distraction.
I want it to stop. I feel like something evil is gnawing on my muscles and positively relishing it!
Painkillers will take the edge off…for about half an hour.
I guess I should’ve known yesterday that today would be worse. I was aching you see, aching badly, but I still wanted to go for a walk because the sun was out. My husband lovingly calls me ‘the hermit’ and I wanted to prove him wrong.
Every physio I have ever had told me I need exercise, especially since my pulmonary embolism in two thousand and five. I have to stay as active and fit as I can, but it is so hard to stay motivated and keep doing it when you know that it will hurt later, if it doesn’t already.
It drains my energy so quickly. Sometimes I feel like a car running on empty. I have to carry on but there is no fuel left, I have nothing left to give.
As a side note, I often get this feeling about my friendships. Part of my personality is that I am there for everybody, whenever they need me. My husband calls it my ‘saintliness’ but it is just the way I am.
On days like today though, I admit to seeing their trivial little worries as exactly that, and hate myself for it. He often reminds me that very few of them have been there for me. “Isn’t that just the way it is though?” I’ll say and he will roll his eyes. He’s wonderful! He reminds me that I have enough to deal with!
The thing is, my disability has probably made me more empathetic and more in tune with people, so yeah, thanks for that! I’m not saying I am an angel. I can be horribly moody and sometimes very depressed. That is just life. Everybody gets depressed and everybody has tough times, but it is how you get through it that matters.
The pain is no better and despite having enjoyed talking to you, (please forgive my disjointed ramblings) I still want to throw something out of sheer frustration! Yes I admit it, there is a bit of self pity mixed in today too, because I did not ask for this, and there is no ‘end’ for me like there is for others with problems. There is no solution.
But, I will not give up, EVER, even though right now part of me wants to. I have an amazing husband and a very strong marriage. I have my family and I have my writing (for what it is worth)!
When I finish typing I will go and curl up in my husband’s arms and I might even finally cry, but I know that all this HAS made me stronger. I hope it continues to do so.
What I’m trying to say, is that, even when it doesn’t feel like it, even when it seems like there is just too much pain, you can always find a little strength from somewhere.
Please don’t give up.