Saturday, 30 April 2016

It's The Little Things...

I love the way the sun reflects on our living room wall, filling the room with light. I can go from feeling low, to being bright as soon as I enter the room.

I love to sing. I’ve been singing for as long as I can remember. For stress relief it’s amazing.  The tension ebbs out of me, and I feel like I can take on the world. Music is a big part of my life, and it’s a place I go when I need to escape.

Watching snow fall is one of the most calming things there is. I wish for it regularly because it’s a great leveller. No one else can move properly either! I think it covers normality (or what people perceive as normality), with a beautiful white blanket – at least for a little while.

New notebooks of all shapes, colours and sizes. People closest to me know that if they want to buy me a present (besides chocolate or wine) then a notebook or pen is their safest bet!

I get a sense of promise from a pristine notebook. I know that I can fill it with anything I choose. There is always a notebook with me.  

I think most people who write,( or otherwise create something) need somewhere to put the random sparks that fly through their mind - even if the ideas come to nothing, at least they're there.

That brings me on to writing. I could go on forever about this – in fact I have in other places. Here though, I’ll try and be brief. I wrote my first short story when I was eight. Even before that I was asking my Mum to take notes from books on different subjects, so I could write my own versions.

Writing is my constant. I guess it is another form of escape. Whatever situation – physical or emotional state I have been in I know I can go somewhere else, either in my imagination or with a paper and pen.

There is a sense of satisfaction in knowing that I can create something from nothing –another world even, and if I do it right I can take other people with me too! I can try and help them understand things, and feel things.

I have always thought the best writers are the ones which can evoke an emotion or a sensation in the reader, and really connect with them. I hope to do that on some level, (at least sometimes)! There is nothing like the buzz I get when I write, or finish a piece (and I’m finally happy with it)!

Spending time with people I love - Suppose you could say that's an obvious one, and it is. I'm a ‘home bird’. While sometimes I  think I want to travel more and experience new things, I know I’m just as happy being at home, and having a long chat on a Saturday night or drinking wine and reminiscing.

Time with people they love is denied to so many and it is like treasure to me. That probably sounds soppy,  but  if you have got people who love you, (and you love them), you have got the world...and no, I haven’t been drinking I promise. It’s just the truth!

Tea is my ‘wonder drug’! If I’ve had a horrible day the first sips of tea slip down my throat and I can feel (at least some of) the strain leaving me. There is something lovely about cradling a warm mug, especially on days when it’s raining or bitterly cold outside.

I’m so grateful for my home. As soon as I step through the front door, I feel safe, warm and wanted. I can be entirely myself. There are no expectations here, no demands, no feeling of not being good enough. 

There’s just my husband, and I. It’s our space. Maybe this too seems obvious but with homelessness rising, I’ve become even more grateful for it than I was before. It’s a place of calm and quiet. 

Material things don’t matter ,at least not to me, and we have all that we need. What matters to me is peace. I find that here.

Image - Google

Monday, 18 April 2016

Childlessness -One Day at a Time. (A Diary Entry).

I was very low and frustrated overnight. A close friend  will give birth to her first baby any day now.

I have asked all the right questions, the way you're supposed to! She knows me well enough to know that it's hard, and said 'you don't have to ask'. What am I supposed to do? Act like I don't care, pretend it's not happening?! That's not fair to her. Of course I care!

What makes it harder for me though, is that I thought she (was) the least maternal person you could ever wish to meet. She just wasn't interested at all...but then she got married and her blasted biological clock kicked in, as it does.

I know a lot about biological clocks. I'm permanently at war with mine, and there are reminders everywhere I turn, from adverts on television, to social media. Sometimes it can feel like a conspiracy. The world has a secret that I'm not allowed to share. 

Realistically I know that even if it wasn't unlikely I'd go full term and not 'possibly' dangerous for me, I physically could not cope with motherhood.

Due to the fact I can't walk or stand unaided, (as a result of Cerebral Palsy) I'd find it difficult to pick the baby up and I wouldn't be able to rescue a toddler from potential danger.

On top of that,I'd be even more exhausted than I am now, plus I would worry about how my limitations, (and depression) would effect a child. It would break my heart not to be able to do so many of the things other parents take for granted, although I know there are ways and means...

Not that I'm saying disabled people shouldn't have children. Of course we should - but with our age gap too, there's a high possibility I would end up alone -even if hubby did want any more children.  

It's all very complicated, and most of the time I can be fine with it, (at least on the surface), It's a different story underneath. It doesn't stop hurting. Like so many other women (and men), I have to find a way to live with it.

Last night though, I was lying in the dark, my hips were killing me and it all just hit me in a massive wave! Hubby was asleep in the next room. We often sleep apart now, because my (chronic) insomnia coupled with his snoring is not conducive to a good night's sleep for either of us!

I got up and wandered aimlessly around the house, and then sat on the sofa in the dark for I don't know how long. I've tried on line childlessness support groups, but I find them frustrating. This is going to sound wrong, but there I'm surrounded by people for whom childlessness is the only issue. 

They don't have disabilities to contend with as well, so their situation is the centre of everything. Not that that is wrong, (and I understand their pain completely) but if I'm honest, sometimes I've  ended up thinking ' you're lucky that this is all you have to contend with'...and then I feel intensely guilty for thinking like that! I had to leave the groups because they were just too confronting for me.

The thing is, I don't want my disability or my childlessness to define me or my life. I want to move forward and just be myself, and I know I'll get there one day. 

I'm already further along the road to acceptance (of both situations) than I ever thought I would be, but that doesn't mean I don't feel completely ripped apart sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever fully accept it. I don't know if I ever can!

There are times when I don't feel like a 'real' woman because of these things, and in that way I'm at war with myself too - but I don't want to be at war with myself, so I try very hard to take everyday as it comes, and make something good out of my life - because it IS good!

Hubby has made me happier than I ever thought I would be, and I KNOW I'm so much luckier than a lot of people, so I try not to take anything for granted - but by not taking anything for granted, I'm super aware of what I have to lose.
I'm super aware of everything actually. I can pick up on the emotions in another person, and I can sense things. 

Of course, then comes the guilt! I know how lucky I am, so I feel guilty for feeling sad and frustrated about the things I don't have! Mum always tells me 'There's always someone worse off than you', - and she's right!
 Also the multiple anaesthetics I had when I was fourteen (during multiple surgeries to improve my mobility) has meant my serotonin levels are damaged - so to a certain extent I have to allow for that - and I know I'll be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life.

All I can do is hope that it really does get easier and that that I'll be OK until it does. I just have to hang on in there, and take one day at a time.

After all, that's all any of us can do.

Sunday, 10 April 2016

Spring Harvest...!

'What are you doing in there'?
'Attempting to shave my legs!'
'I see. See you in three hours then'!

(As usual though, I had to ask him for help in the end.Having Cerebral Palsy and being unable to walk or stand unaided means I need help with things that able-bodied people can take for granted).

The thing is, I've never understood how 'real' women shave their legs! I can manage most of it, granted, but the backs -almost impossible even with a mirror. I think you have to be a fully trained acrobat to get anywhere!

The 'real' woman thing makes hubby quite cross. I find myself using the term more often than I should, but the brutal fact is, often I don't feel like I am one.

I listen to your everyday woman complaining about their kids. - (I can't have any), the amount of housework, (I do as much as I can, but can't manage a lot of it -not without being absolutely exhausted afterwards, -if I can manage it at all), queues at the supermarket, (supermarkets are a novelty for me because I so rarely go), make-up (I don't wear any. Such an unnecessary thing -even if I could apply mascara without my hands shaking).
All these things make me feel like a failure in the 'woman' stakes!

Sure, I've got all the feminist ideas and I TRULY believe that you don't need to measure up to these stereotypes -mostly.

Hubby says 'stop all this 'real' business. You're more real and true to yourself than those who walk down the street caked in make -up'. He also says I don't need it anyway, (I paid him to say that)! tongue emoticon
But you see, I envy women who CAN wear high heels and a short skirt. If I wear a short dress my splints are visible and people stare -even though they pretend not to! Some days I think 'yeah, whatever! You stare away love' and I feel confident enough to wear a short dress in public.

Of course I wear them at home - because I don't wear the splints if I'm not wearing shoes. Hubby says I've got 'great legs'. He's lying! I used to have better legs than I do now. The endo and PCOS has made me gain a bit of weight - and I will forever be grateful that hubby doesn't even think about my scars. They're barely visible now, but that's besides the point!

The fact is, men can be shallow (as can women, I know) - but men judge more on appearances than women do. It's biology!
Hubby says, 'I didn't fall in love with you to do my housework! I fell in love with you for YOU. Your difficulties are a part of you but they AREN'T you'!

I fell on my feet when I met him, because he sees all my many flaws, and loves me anyway. He even thinks I look good first thing in the morning! I know, he's a 'keeper'!

I love him too - so very, very much.

(He'll hate the fact I've mentioned him in this blog, too. Ooops)!

Image: Pinterest


Sunday, 3 April 2016

Queen of New York City

I was supposed to be Queen Though I work in a coffee shop, I’ll add extra sugar and put sprinkles on top! They threw me out, 
I was not what I was meant to be, I called for abolition of the monarchy! They wanted someone to wear gowns with a tiara Not flannelette Pyjamas And smudged mascara! I don’t want round the world trips To smile and shake hands I’ll take unplanned road trips in the back of a van! They wanted someone quiet and apolitical Turn up, make speeches Thoughtless, hypocritical! I’d have to marry elite, Keep the bloodline pure, Forget ‘who brought me home?’ I’m not really sure! I don’t want to be a rich bitch I would always say things I shouldn’t, I’d rather give up the throne Than be something I couldn’t.

(Image: 'Pinterest)'