Please Understand (Poem for Childlessness Awareness Day 2011)

Sometimes I want to scream that you betrayed me,
You promised we would face this together
Though even then
I knew it wouldn't last forever.

Despite your words I somehow knew
That you would become a mother,
And I can think of no other friend
I would want it for more.

But it breaks my heart that your choices
Will never be mine,
I feel like I've committed a crime
Because I can’t share your joy.

Telling myself I'm glad you’re happy
And that I need more
Than changing nappies,
Is really no comfort at all.

I miss you,
I miss the way we used to be,
I miss caring and sharing,
And knowing you were there for me.

I don’t want this pain, this deep gnawing ache,
And I think to myself
‘Oh for God sake, can’t you just snap out of it?’
But I know it isn't that easy
And I hate the bitterness,
It isn't me.

I fear what I've become.
I want to be there when you’re tired
And listen when you’re stressed,
But feel resentment that I can’t express,
‘Yeah well, it’s alright for some!’

I know that this is hard for you too,
And I don’t know what to do
When I feel the gaps get wider.

As more friends become mothers,
Another and another,
My world is filled with prams and baby scans,
I'm starting to feel smothered.

And once again you know,
I want to scream,
Because you
Are living my dream.

At the same time you shouldn't feel bad,
Or guilty about the luck you've had,
Be proud and happy, and free,
The only one that can deal with this
Is me.

I love you
And I'm proud of you,
I love that you are doing it all
Just as I would do.

I wrote this down to work through my issues
Like you've always said I should,
Apologies though, if you’re needing tissues,
I always knew you would!

I guess it’s all about healing now,
I don’t know when I’ll be done,
There are good days
And then so desperately sad,
But keep thinking about the fun we've had,
And all we used to do.

I want caring, sharing
And feeling glad,
And I need a friend
Like you...